Entry #8
11.28.2018
Getting an apartment with Ashlan and Rachel. Will move in Saturday Afternoon.
Had an odd conversation with a proffessor this week.
I have concerns with one of my classes. My grades are fine in all of my classes I don't care about them. I care about learning. And, to be honest, I love learning. I often hate being taught largely due to the number of hours of sitting involved. I try to always learn. Always. But, this teacher and class has been so disrespectful of the students and so wasteful of our time and requires us to play a game of guess in check with all of our assignments. I am not the only one who feels this way. The majority of the class talks poorly about this class. Students say whatever just live with it expressing apathy toward the conjuctive learning the normally accompanies a professor student relationship. I chose to confront the situation, because fact of the matter is with things I really care about. Empathy is the only option.
I was frustrated one day and expressed it firmly and sharply without raising my voice to a professor. I said I am sorry and I know its not your fault several times in the conversation. I also acknowledged that she only wanted us to learn and grow several times. I also expressed my frustration and misunderstanding about knowing what to do. She said that it was fine and she didn't take it personally and yet some how later from an overheard conversation I heard that what I said came accross as yelling to her.
I was in front of the 2 receptionist and I know 100% that I did not yell/raise my voice at her. I was expressing disastisfaction frustration and confusion. But, evidently these days that can often come accross as yelling. She was just trying to be helpful. But, it was not a day where I was open to help. I did acknowledge what she said, but I never heard her acknowledge what I said or address my question. I was wrong about the issue but it could easily have been fixed if she had pointed out a line my eyes skimmed over on the assignment list or simply answered my question of how am I suppose to know what to do.
Having overheard from another student that she had been yelled at the day I talked to her sharply. I went and talked to her and made a total basket case out of myself as usual. We don't talk about it in the family. But, my parents were fairly abusive when we were little. Very controlling. And even now, my mom seeks to control/direct our lives. I grew up under a banner of fear that if I tried somethin different or stepped out of line I would be hurt, screamed at and locked in. I had seen the hurt happen to my sister. But she at least fought back and did as she wished. I did not under fear I did everything correct. When faced with confrontation with someone in power over me where i could be punished my body shakes and my heart rate sky rockets. It is not something I can control. The person's presence becomes looming. My eyes leek and my hands shake. It is not controllable. It is severe anxiety but not panic attacks anymore and given that every child in my family has anxiety. It is not really a surprise.
Michele has empathy/apathy confrontational problems
Riley contemplated suicide for awhile and struggles with depression
Jake is the best of all of us but still has generalized anxiety
I have anxiety but only in certain situations like confronation. I also am poor at making deep friendships
What is is/ what is done cant be undone.
I was out of line but only slightly. I think it is okay to talk sharply when frustrated. I find it interesting that when we bring up worries we receive no answers. Where are the answers? Acknowledgement is key to understanding. Is it better to talk to a professor when frustrated or is apathy a better way? For me apathy is not a better way and impossible for long term relationsips.
Lots to do and little time
Getting an apartment with Ashlan and Rachel. Will move in Saturday Afternoon.
Had an odd conversation with a proffessor this week.
I have concerns with one of my classes. My grades are fine in all of my classes I don't care about them. I care about learning. And, to be honest, I love learning. I often hate being taught largely due to the number of hours of sitting involved. I try to always learn. Always. But, this teacher and class has been so disrespectful of the students and so wasteful of our time and requires us to play a game of guess in check with all of our assignments. I am not the only one who feels this way. The majority of the class talks poorly about this class. Students say whatever just live with it expressing apathy toward the conjuctive learning the normally accompanies a professor student relationship. I chose to confront the situation, because fact of the matter is with things I really care about. Empathy is the only option.
I was frustrated one day and expressed it firmly and sharply without raising my voice to a professor. I said I am sorry and I know its not your fault several times in the conversation. I also acknowledged that she only wanted us to learn and grow several times. I also expressed my frustration and misunderstanding about knowing what to do. She said that it was fine and she didn't take it personally and yet some how later from an overheard conversation I heard that what I said came accross as yelling to her.
I was in front of the 2 receptionist and I know 100% that I did not yell/raise my voice at her. I was expressing disastisfaction frustration and confusion. But, evidently these days that can often come accross as yelling. She was just trying to be helpful. But, it was not a day where I was open to help. I did acknowledge what she said, but I never heard her acknowledge what I said or address my question. I was wrong about the issue but it could easily have been fixed if she had pointed out a line my eyes skimmed over on the assignment list or simply answered my question of how am I suppose to know what to do.
Having overheard from another student that she had been yelled at the day I talked to her sharply. I went and talked to her and made a total basket case out of myself as usual. We don't talk about it in the family. But, my parents were fairly abusive when we were little. Very controlling. And even now, my mom seeks to control/direct our lives. I grew up under a banner of fear that if I tried somethin different or stepped out of line I would be hurt, screamed at and locked in. I had seen the hurt happen to my sister. But she at least fought back and did as she wished. I did not under fear I did everything correct. When faced with confrontation with someone in power over me where i could be punished my body shakes and my heart rate sky rockets. It is not something I can control. The person's presence becomes looming. My eyes leek and my hands shake. It is not controllable. It is severe anxiety but not panic attacks anymore and given that every child in my family has anxiety. It is not really a surprise.
Michele has empathy/apathy confrontational problems
Riley contemplated suicide for awhile and struggles with depression
Jake is the best of all of us but still has generalized anxiety
I have anxiety but only in certain situations like confronation. I also am poor at making deep friendships
What is is/ what is done cant be undone.
I was out of line but only slightly. I think it is okay to talk sharply when frustrated. I find it interesting that when we bring up worries we receive no answers. Where are the answers? Acknowledgement is key to understanding. Is it better to talk to a professor when frustrated or is apathy a better way? For me apathy is not a better way and impossible for long term relationsips.
Lots to do and little time
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